RuJesus Christ and the Arousing Apostles
by RahRahFashionBaby
Summary: Follow RuJesus Christ: Drag Superstar and her amorous, alluring, arousing apostles on their fun and fabulous journey through life and Glee and religion and all that stuff. So spiritual you could suffocate!


Um, well, welcome to the best fic ever. LOLZ

* * *

><p>It was a verdant spring morning, ornate petals dangling from tree blossoms. Sexy "come hither" looks bordered each one, inviting potential pollinators for a sweet taste of nectar. Except like nobody could see them cause it was totally bitch-ass dark. 'Cause it was like… 4 am. A wind twisted through the branches and farther down the road, through the flowing brown hair and goatee of the savior of humanity. Along with her sat her seven beautiful apostles: Maia, Greta, Jia, Rosie, Olivia Wilde, Kurt, and Blaine. Kurt had a sad look upon his face.<p>

"Kurt, homie, tell me why thou has such a sad expression!" Kurt looked at his leader. Her goatee was perfectly trimmed, and the stark red gracing her lips was fabulous. The candy-striped stripper heels that rested snugly along her feel clicked with worry.

"O RuJesus, I'm sad because the directors of Glee—" His words were interrupted by a scream of adoration from the surrounding six—"won't let me be with the love of my life, Blaine." He angled his pointer finger to the SUPER SEXY APOSTLE with the same frown maiming his gorgeous complexion.

"And Blaine, my nizzle, why are you down?"

"O Lord, I am sad for the same reason! I love Kurt more than ANYTHING FOREVER and Ryan Murphy will not let it be so." The Lordess pondered for a moment.

"If such a fabulous creature will not spare my two apostles the happiness of their lifetime, perhaps it is necessary to let it be done."

"Pardon, O RuJizzle?" Kurt said.

"I mean, bro, we need to go change his mind!" said the Lord RuJesus, impatiently. The other five nodded.

"Sounds like a great idea," cried Maia. "I'm desperate for some California sunshine."

"I'm in!" Jia and Rosie shouted, the idea of Kurt and Blaine be allowed together was a little more than they could use their inside voices for.

"How about YES," sang Olivia Wilde, for today was Sunday, not just the RuJesus day but also the day of singing. Olivia had been jonesing for a role on Glee for as long as she could remember, but up until yesterday, there had been no camera that could actually photograph her innate sexiopathy. RuJesus had just developed one, being the scientist that she is, so she could send her yearly Christmas card without the annoying lack of perfect sexiness.

"ABSOLUTELY," stated Greta, while she waved her arms in acceptance.

"Well then, it appears that we have all the apostles on board for this. We should GOOOO~" shouted RuJesus, as she ran perfectly in her ho heels to the nearest bus stop. The Sexy Seven grabbed their butts and their glittered lawn chairs and ran off into the sunset with her.

~A SHORT WHILE LATER~

The bumbling greyhound bus bumbled up, bumbling to a stop where it bumbled for a short while, after which it ceased its incessant bumbling.

"Come, let us ride this omnibus far into the sunset!" RuJesus called to her disciples, raising a fist into the air. Excitedly, the seven and RuJesus boarded the Greyhound.

"Stop," said the fat, hairy driver. "What business do ye have here on this bus?"

"We wish to travel to Glee," spoke RuJesus.

"You must pay the fare." But the group had no money on them, and the apostles bowed their heads down in disappointment. They assumed they would just have to go home. But RuJesus had a better idea. She showed him the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost (her cleavage). The man was sent into a daze. Ru immediately raised her (GLASS IF YOU ARE WRONG IN ALL THE RIGHT WAYS) fist and bopped him over the head, shaking him out of his vertigo.

"Yes ma'am!" He said, cheerily, and showed them to the near empty bus. The original seven arranged themselves dispersedly in the small cart. Their darling, fabulous bottoms hovered over the seats for a second, then plopped down with a sating, synchronized, muffled _FUMP_. Olivia made wilde eye contact with the random old woman next to her, green orbs even wider than they had been when she obsessed over Jules Verne.

"May I help you?" The lady said, concern lacing her frown and knitting her brows.

"Yes." Olivia said, and continued to stare, odd grin plastered to her face as she sat, looming and unblinking and giddy at the poor woman unlucky enough to book this bus ride. She remained quiet for a few moments, then continued.

"How so, ma'am?"

"Have you ever heard of the lord and savior RuJesus Christ?" A few rows back, the omniscient and fabulous Ru herself facepalmed.

"Uh… no ma'am." The complexity of Liv's statement appeared to confuse the shit out of her.

"Would you like to?" The woman, Francine Fanny Francis, looked to the open road that was now a-bumbling by. _Nothing better to do_, she sighed, and gave the green light for Olivia to preach.

_Two hours later…_

"—and then Ru and me and Rosie and Jia and Greta and Maia and Kurt and Blaine were dancing and suddenly there was this lightning and I was all THAT'S WEIRD and Kurt was all IT'S A SIGN FROM GAGA THAT RUJESUS IS HERE TO GUIDE US and though we had all had a little too much to drink I—" Olivia babbled on and on. The succubus next to her sighed and her and whip-cracked her frumpy tail (invisible of course) with frustration. _When will she shut up and I can murder Ru and kill her and take her powers?_ she cried, internally of course you dumbfuck. BUT AT THAT VERY MOMENT, a wonderful mindreader with a heart of gold and a spleen of stainless steel, heard that very transmission emitting from her brainwaves. Having just converted to RuChristianity, stood up and smacked her shit. She smacked her shit so hard the succubus sent by the devil himself (_yes, Charlie Sheen_) evaporated into tiny, non-fabulous particulates, which wafted through the air exactly the way a sailboat wouldn't.

RuJesus, who had been knowing of this whole situation but was too focused in Maia's gerbil magazine to do anything, stood up and thanked the young psychic.

"What is your name?" She asked.

"Kate, O Great Ru," she curtsied, then bowed, then prostrated.

"Thank you. I invite you to join our traveling band of alluring, amazing, arousing apostles."

"Oh, what an honor!" cried Kate, as she swooned. "What an honor!"

"So do you accept?"

"Yes, O Ru, yes I do!"

"Then lets go party, bitch!" Ru, Kate, and the rest of the crew congregated around the other girl on the bus, Mika.

"Hi," said Rosie, who subsequently poked her own forehead.

"Howdy," said Maia, idly lighting some matches.

"Hello," said Greta, somersaulting through her own arms and becoming a butterfly made of butter.

"How-de-do," said Olivia Wilde, nautically whipping her hair back and forth.

"Mmmph," greeted Kurt and Blaine, as they were too busy making out to formulate words.

"Hullo," said Jia, frivolously making some sushi off of Kate's back.

"Mmph," Kate similarly greeted, making out with her knees as her face was pressed forward by a aggressive Jiapants, intent on her sushi-stravaganza.

And so was converted the last convert converted on that bumbling, bumbling bus ride. But so many more were later. You know, when they are not on the bus. Because nobody spends 100% of their life on a bus. That's just dumb.

You hear that?

You're dumb.

TBC 3 3 3

* * *

><p>HOW EXCELLENT WAS THAT? SO EXCELLENT.<p> 


End file.
